already slacking!

Here it is, 8:53pm. I am sitting here with wet hair ( just got out of the shower! Easier when kids are asleep). I realize I should be working on my sketches for my drawing class tomorrow, I am totally behind! I have really enjoyed the class so far and I especially LOVE the fact that my grandma and I are taking it together! I have a special relationship with my grandmother. She is my best friend and my mentor and so much more. We both love to decorate and we both LOVE a new "project" or challenge. :)

I had a lot of fun with the kids today. They spent a lot of the day playing outside. They are at that age when they start repeating everything they hear. The funny thing about that is it teaches me the things I am saying that I dont necessarily realize! For example, now, whenever I drop something, Madi says "darn it". Or whenever one of them falls down, Madi will say " whoooa Dude"!  And just recently, they both are prone to calling me a "silly goose". I cant believe how quickly they are growing up. They are so beautiful and fun and innocent and trusting. The past two years are really such a blur. I dont want to forget any of it! I want to capture all of the moments I get with them ( good AND bad ) and store them somewhere safe.

I have to admit that since my hysterectomy, I am terrified of forgetting. Forgetting the feeling of my baby moving inside me or forgetting the smell of my babies right after a bath or the way they say 'mommy' when they need me. I realize that every child is a miracle and I feel so blessed to have two of my very own but I guess I cant help but think that if I had known I would end up getting the hysterectomy as soon as I did, I might have done something different. I am still not at the point of being able to look at their baby pictures or watch "A baby story" on TLC, I cant explain it or why I find it to be so painful. I guess if I had to compare it to something I would say, I am grieving. Grieving the loss of the ability to experience those things again and grieving the loss of part of me as a woman. I am taking it day by day but I can only really think about it in tiny pieces or my vision gets blurry and I lose the bigger perspective I so desperately want to hold onto. God is so good. My life is so full. My heart is so full of joy. I dont want all of those good things to be swallowed up with my grief even for a moment so I keep pushing it aside. The only problem with that is it doesnt allow me to deal with it and I know eventually, I need to deal with it and then let it go.

I didnt mean to write a novel tonight! Sorry to be so long winded. I will try to post more regularly and also post some recent pictures of my kiddos soon. I took a bunch today while they were outside playing. :)

Goodnight,
Katie