organizing....AGAIN

okay, so it seems as though from the moment I found out I was pregnant, I have been trying to organize my house in such a way that it will be suitable for kids BUT doesnt look like a day care. In the beginning, I was cleaning out closets to make room for all of the diapers Matthew and I were buying throughout my pregnancy ( so that we wouldnt have the expense AFTER the babies, at least for a while ). THEN I was getting the nursery room ready, cleaned and organized. THEN after the babies got here, I was trying to have all of the "gadgets" (bouncy seats, play pen, swings, diaper stuff, and toys ) out without them taking over my house. THEN I was getting everything ready/baby proofed for them to start crawling and getting the kitchen ready for all of the new baby foods/dishes and high chairs. Before I knew it, they were walking.

Here they are , 2 years old, and I STILL find myself organizing and trying to make room for everything. I have been convincing myself that I am getting rid of things by giving it all to my sister as the kids grow out of it or dont play with it anymore. The problem is, by giving it all to my sister, I am not actually "letting go " of it all.  The thought of anyone else having it scares me. It scares me because then it means that it is all actually gone and I cant get it back.

I realize that most mom's struggle with letting go of their kids things. Putting it all in the attic, just in case we need it later, sounds so much easier to me than giving it to goodwill or consignment or even a friend. The problem is, I DONT need it later, I know we will never use this stuff again, I know that it is just getting wasted if I pack it up and put it in the attic. It has served it's purpose for us and now I should let it help someone else right?

Maybe a part of me feels like these "things" are the doorway to my memories? It's weird to think about it now but there was a time when I couldnt wait for them to grow into the next size clothes or FINALLY be done with their bottle or get big enough to turn their car seats around in the car or walk around the park with me. All of those things ARE wonderful but once they grow out of it or learn how to do it, they will never go back which means, I cant ever go back.

I wonder why the world is always trying to rush things? We are taught and told over and over again that fast is better and any slower than fast is a waste of time or somehow "behind". I wonder how many relationships or jobs or decisions in general, would be better if people werent always in such a rush. I wonder what I would have done different with my children if I had let them stay little longer? Maybe I would'nt be so hesitant to get rid of their old stuff....either way, I cant go back and I cant keep getting a bigger house to fit it all in.

So now what? The logical part of me says that memories cant be given away and that stuff is just stuff but my heart says.....I am not ready.

I guess for now, I will keep giving it all to my sister. Hopefully she will just keep flashing me a big smile and a thank you every time I drop off a bunch of stuff at her house that she may or may not really want.

Sorry for rambling, I guess I had better get back to my cleaning and organizing for the day.